Of A Sound Mind

It's no secret, I don't have a ton of money. I am fine with that. I work enough that if I am smart with my money I can make it month to month. It's a struggle but I can mostly make it. Now what drives me insane is people who only care about you if you have money. "Hello! Can I help you find shoes?" "Not today, I have graduate interviews soon and I'm just waiting on my refu... and he is gone" Pretty sure I'll never buy shoes at Dillards now. Oh well, they were over priced anyway. But what really stings isn't the fact I was dropped as soon as they figured out I had no money, rather they blatent disregard for life. Granted it was my life, but hey, it's important to me. As an outward facing member of a company, a delivery expert, people who talk to me and tell me a little about their life are my favorite.  I will 1000% forgive no tip if you're super friendly and talk to me, it's life you can only get so upset over money. ...

Coffee and I have this thing. Sometimes I want to make my life a little different than it is, and I try different things. Most these things fall apart, but, hey, there was an attempt made. Coffee is a five-year cycle of this thing. Back in 2013, I wanted to try more coffee in my life, replacing some soda, this went south the same way it always does. I don't find a way I like it and it just never becomes a thing for me. It's 2018 and for some reason unknown to me it is time to sink a bit of money into coffee again until I can't find a reason to care anymore and give up on it once more. Well, least that's how I think it will go, this time may be different. Life seems to be all about cycles. Always the same, just a different time. I suspect in two years, I'll want a drum set again. In four, I'll pick up my bass again. In six months, I'll want to pick up the guitar and sing again. In three years, I'll seriously consider becoming a guitar tech/luthier a...

I've been asked recently to give a list of skills I'm good at in part of the consideration of an assistantship, and the realization that I'm horrible at bragging about myself is apparent. Not that I had any problems bragging about myself before college. It's the whole "you don't know how much you don't know" thing. Ignorance is such a confidence booster. Going to graduate school, I'm struggling to find the balance between humility and confidence. Going in, I know I have almost no answers in my field but have to portray that I have the answers at least well enough to get an assistantship. The balancing act is definitely not among my strengths, especially since I am clumsy as they come. Surely, I could figure it out. I remember the first year of college as a long painful year, not strictly other's fault (albeit, they didn't help) but rather my own. Coming in from the middle of nowhere and thinking I had all the answers really mad...

Life is strange. We all have our little coping mechanisms that we develop through our various ordeals. I have a few like food, the potoo, and gaming. Gaming is by far the one thing that I spend entirely too much time doing, albeit food is a close second. "What are you running from anyway?" I haven't the foggiest. It's something I enjoy, I'm okay at it, and it takes my mind off the six or seven things I'm constantly thinking on. It also vastly slows everything that I'm working on, distracts me, and keeps me up entirely too late. The only relief has either been completion or boredom. "Why don't you just not play games then?" I'd love to stop, but sheer boredom is a steep punishment for me. Not that it's bad for you to be bored, it's just a touch painful for me. Its a cycle regardless, I find a game, beat it, get bored of it, and search for a new game. Not a lot of life in that. Song of the day:  Fever the Ghost SOURCE

Food is a thing. I like food. Maybe a bit too much but hey, everyone has their weaknesses. Mine are food, bullets, and of course, the native bird of South America, the Potoo. However, Food trumps these rather firmly in my life. I absolutely love cooking, the smells filling the house, and feeding others my food. I can't imagine other people don't have the same sort of joys. I suppose it's a human experience. I might not be the best one to pass on cooking knowledge, but I'll give you a few of my favorite ingredients. Nullifiers: Things like brown sugar which lessens the acid in tomatoes, potatoes for reducing salt, and cocoa powder can bring down the spiciness of a dish. These things are excellent to keep on hand to fix mistakes or to "fix" a recipes problems. I use brown sugar regularly to reduce the tomato acid in spaghetti so I don't lay awake at night contemplating my misfortune. I am personally still looking for something to make cheese easier on...

Writing music has become an issue. As a composer, I love to write music, especially the middle bits, but beginnings and ends are incredibly difficult. I sit at the computer and struggle to begin. It is one of those things about breaks when I don't have a piano to play on it becomes difficult to write. This isn't news to many composers, I'm sure. "Okay Brain, what are we going to write today?" "Okay, get this! Piano, in common time, in C!" "...And?" "That's all I got!" I talk to myself while I write. It's entertaining I'm told. I go and listen to various bits of music, to soundtracks from games and movies, study scores, study Twyla Tharp's The Creative Habit, nothing really helps once you're in front of the computer ready to write and nothing comes up. I suppose I could shift to writing in front of some good old fashion paper, but I have found that, without the piano, it's a mute point as well. ...

I don't care if you read this. I really don't. This isn't for you, this is for me. I want to get things out. There seems to be a lot that can be spoken into the void and have an effect, however, the void can't listen. I take offense to this, obviously. We, as humans, like to be listened to, to be understood, and to converse with each other. Personally, I try to spend my life in silence, to listen more than I talk, and try to be wise and genuine when I do talk. I fail at this. A lot. I mean, I'm only 25, it is hard to be wise at 25. It seems like I'm being pulled at different directions, I don't want you to read it, but I want to be listened to, I want to be silent, but I want to say something. I can't really reconcile these things. It doesn't offend me. I suppose the best explanation is I want to talk, and if you read this, that's okay too. So what do I want to talk about? Well, things. I love talking about things! I'm indifferent to th...